Posted: July 26, 2024
In our daily interactions, we often seek connection with others through small yet significant gestures known as “bids for connection.” These bids are crucial for building and maintaining healthy relationships, whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, or familial bonds. Understanding and effectively responding to bids for connection can transform relationships and enhance emotional well-being. Let’s delve into what bids for connection are, how to recognize them, and the importance of responding positively.
What is a Bid for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt from one person to another to seek attention, affirmation, or affection. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, coined the term and highlighted its importance in his research. Bids for connection can be verbal or non-verbal, subtle or overt, and they represent our fundamental desire to connect and be understood by others.
Types of Bids for Connection
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Verbal Bids
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Asking a question: “How was your day?”
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Sharing a thought or feeling: “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed today.”
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Offering a compliment: “You did a great job on that project.”
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Non-Verbal Bids
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A smile or a nod
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A touch on the arm or a hug
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Making eye contact
Recognizing Bids for Connection
Recognizing bids for connection involves being attuned to both verbal and non-verbal cues from others. Here are some common examples:
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Expressions of Interest
When someone asks about your day, your feelings, or your thoughts, they are often seeking to connect. For example, “What did you think of the movie we watched?” is a bid for your opinion and a way to engage with you.
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Physical Gestures
Non-verbal actions such as a gentle touch, leaning in during a conversation, or maintaining eye contact are subtle bids for connection. These gestures indicate a desire for closeness and intimacy.
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Requests for Support
When someone shares a problem or seeks advice, they are making a bid for emotional support. Statements like “I’m really struggling with this project” or “Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?” are clear indications of seeking connection.
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Attempts at Humor or Playfulness
Jokes, playful teasing, or shared laughter are ways people bid for positive interactions and emotional bonding. A light-hearted comment or a funny story is often an invitation to engage and connect.
The Importance of Responding to Bids
Responding to bids for connection positively can significantly strengthen relationships. Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that couples who respond positively to each other’s bids for connection have higher relationship satisfaction and are more likely to stay together. This principle applies to all types of relationships, including friendships and family dynamics.
How to Respond to Bids for Connection
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Acknowledge the Bid
Recognize the attempt to connect and respond with interest. For example, if someone asks about your day, provide a thoughtful answer rather than a brief, dismissive response.
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Show Empathy
Respond with empathy and understanding. If someone shares a concern, acknowledge their feelings and offer support. Statements like “I can see why that would be stressful” or “I’m here for you” show that you care.
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Engage Actively
Engage in the conversation or interaction actively. Make eye contact, ask follow-up questions, and show genuine interest in the other person’s perspective.
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Be Present
Put away distractions and be fully present in the moment. This demonstrates that you value the other person’s bid for connection and are willing to invest time and attention.
